Are you ready for some ... sports talk?

This had the potential to be a spectacular sports weekend. My high school was taking on its biggest rival, the Catholic high school two blocks away. Ohio State was hosting the University of Texas, and the Jets, Browns and Packers all had their season openers. Andre Agassi was attempting to turn back the clock and win a U.S. Open at age 35. And the USA was tied after two days in its attempt to win back the Solheim Cup (more on this momentarily for those of you who don’t know what that is, and I imagine that number might be high).

For a sports nut like me, it was almost too much.

By the way, before I get started, let me say that I will no longer be discussing the New York Mets this season. The Mets are dead to me. Even though they won today. But should they rally to get back into the wild card race, I take that back.

Anyway, let’s break everything down, event by event…

The other high school 21, my high school 7. This is slightly depressing but I’ll get over it. The two schools didn’t play from 1985 to 2003 (something to do with some unpleasantness between the players, the coaches, the crowds, their pets, that sort of thing). That’s what happens when you have two high schools two blocks apart and they share a football field. The rivalry resumed last year and I got to enjoy a victory in person. Good stuff. At least I didn’t bear witness to Friday night’s loss.

Texas 25, OSU 22. I’ve gotten a few calls asking if I’m okay after this game (particularly since I then didn’t post 24 hours and people know I’ve got a cache of pharmaceuticals). Truth be told, I’m fine. Yes, the Buckeyes lost and certainly could have won the game. The two drives that resulted in field goals before the half killed them. I will forever question why Tressel put Justin Zwick in the game with two minutes left with the fleet-footed Troy Smith on the sideline. I can’t blame Smith for the safety as time ran out because they were on the one-foot line. Had they recovered the ensuing onside kick, it would have been genius.

My brother, who stayed up until midnight to watch the game’s conclusion despite the fact that his preferred bedtime is in the 10 p.m. range, did provide a wonderful, albeit politically incorrect commentary regarding who should and should not be allowed to roam out of the pocket.

But there were bright spots, and it was a tremendous college football game. I do feel bad for San Diego State, which is coming to town next week.

Chiefs 27, Jets 7. Earlier, I received an e-mail from my cousin that reads: You, me, Adam and Matthew could've done a better job than the J-E-T-S-SUCK-SUCK-SUCK did today. Adam and Matthew are my nephews, with a median age of three. So I think we all see his point.

Never I have been so happy to be out of the metropolitan NY area and thus unable to watch the J-E-T-S. I can only imagine what the vitriol for Coach Edwards (Herm, to the locals) will be like at the first home game next Sunday.

Bengals 27, Browns 13. This may be a highlight for the Browns this season, a mere 14-point loss to their big in-state rival. Let’s move on, shall we.

Lions 17, Packers 3. The first paragraph of the story I just read about this game was: Brett Favre’s 15th season got off to a dreadful start.

Ouch. He was sacked four times, threw two interceptions and fumbled once. Megan, I’m definitely coming to see a game this fall because I can’t see him coming back for more of this sort of punishment. I’m going to blame this on an ineffective offensive line.

Obviously, my offer of a hug still stands.

Federer over Agassi in four sets. Agassi gave it a really good run, but just ran out of gas. I can live with this. I’m not a huge tennis fan, just a sucker for sentimentality.

But all was not lost…

The Solheim Cup is an event in women’s golf. It pits the top American players against the top European players. The varied USA squads have taken a real ass whupping in team events on the golf course lately, and it was time for the tide to turn.

USA 15 1/2, Europe 12 1/2. Riveting television. Outstanding golf by some unexpected players. And the winning point was secured by … a former Ohio State golfer.

So, for those keeping score at home, thus far we’ve got one piece of good news and a whole lot of lackluster results. But two bright spots saved the weekend.

First, Michigan lost to Notre Dame at home, which is much worse than the Buckeyes’ loss.

Then, the New Orleans Saints managed to pull off a win over the Carolina Panthers, who just last week Sports Illustrated predicted will win the Super Bowl. And the Saints are a god-awful football team. Their fans are known for wearing paper shopping bags over their heads while sitting in the stands.

But somehow, this awful football team summoned everything it could and delivered a win for the people of New Orleans. Good times.

This post got out of hand, for which I apologize. I also apologize to everyone for whom this was WAY too much sports talk, and promise that will be it for the week.