Dear Jersey Girl,

We’ve been talking, and we’d like to express some concerns.

We’re not sure what the hell happened on Saturday, but we’d prefer to not have it happen again anytime soon. First, do you realize how early you got us up during a holiday weekend? Unacceptable. Then, did you notice how hot it was? Those sorts of temperatures are really suitable for one thing – sitting on our neighbor to the north, your ass.

Logistics aside, what makes you think you can run five miles? You couldn’t do that when you were at the height of your athleticism, to which you have long since bid adieu. Why on earth would you want to do it now? Every year, you put us through this. Why? Can’t you just listen to “Born to Run” while driving? The "Chariots of Fire" and "Rocky" theme songs might have tricked your mind, but they did not fool us.

We do appreciate that you didn’t try to keep up with your brother and cousin after the second mile. Seriously. One is a former collegiate cross-country runner and the other trained to the tune of two miles a day. Thankfully, your brain stepped in and made you a little dizzy, so you switched to a brisk walk for a while. Then, your brain turned it over to your karma, which ran you into Randy during mile three. We noticed Randy’s body was conducting its own panicky meetings, and it was good to see you keep each other in check for the final 2.5 miles. Wasn’t it nice for you to have someone to run and chat with, at a moderate pace, instead of the craziness that was miles one and two?

We hope you were aware that we didn’t give you a hard time upon hitting the finish line. Did you notice you were able to walk without stumbling around? In fact, if you'll recall, we actually let you scale the light pole as you tried to find your cousin. Yes, we know you would have liked to have finished in less than an hour, but given your lackluster training, you should be happy you finished at all. So what if you needed an extra three minutes to get it done. At least the ambulance didn't cart you away. That dude did not look good.

After spending Saturday afternoon parked in an Adirondack chair, you didn’t go out Saturday night, which was a lovely surprise. Quite considerate of you to relax at home with family members, enjoying a little vino. But you threw us for a huge loop on Sunday when you went for a bike ride. And then a long walk Monday. Are you insane? DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE DID FOR YOU ON SATURDAY? Why do you torture us so?

So yes, we finally got you back last night. We knew you were laboring a bit as you rode your bike around the hills of central NJ. We decided to end your suffering, which is why, as you rode up one steep hill, it suddenly felt like your legs didn’t work anymore. We didn’t. We were done. You're lucky we let you get back to the house. Don't test us. Stay off that bike or there will be hell to pay.

How about some nice gentle yoga tonight? We promise we’ll behave. We can’t say the same, of course, for your feet. We believe they’re also holding emergency meetings. Hope that goes well.

Hugs and kisses,
Your legs