I went to the mall last night to do a little fall shopping, which turned out to be much harder than I expected. I wandered through a few of the stores I formerly found dependable in terms of finding attire and quite frankly, it is all crap. I used to buy half my clothes at Lerner. Now it's called NY & Company, and it's all ugly. I can't go into Abercrombie for fear I'll lose for my hearing. Not to mention my self-respect. The Express has maintained its time-honored tradition of making its clothes smaller than the label says, and I will not be a party to that. And there seem to be a few fashion trends in which I will not be participating this fall. Lots of flared and cuffed pants and asinine fold-over necks on sweaters and shirts. No thank you.

So I decided to just call it quits and go to the store where I now buy 97% of my clothes - Eddie Bauer. I love Eddie Bauer because nothing ever changes, which goes along nicely with my wardrobing scheme. Nothing trendy, nothing uncomfortable. Just nice, simple, sturdy clothes that don't make me look like a hooker or a fatass.

I was wandering around the store when all of a sudden I came across this:



























I stood in front of it for a moment, giving the salesman just enough time to notice me, head half-cocked to the side quizzically. He came over and said, "Oh, isn't that nice? That would look great on you." Really? What would look great on me? The fake fur collar? Or the fact that it's a full-length vest, which would thus angle out nicely when it hits my ass?

So I hit him with: "What the hell is it?"

It's a Quilted Down Vest With Faux Fur Collar. According to the web site, it's "a chic and cozy solution to cool-weather dressing. Our shapely chevron-quilted vest is filled with quality lightweight down that can be worn comfortably indoors or out (in mild conditions)."

Chic? Ahem. Comfortably? How can you be comfortable when you're wearing a garment that makes you look like an assclown? I don't think that's possible. This goes against everything I believe to be true when it comes to shopping at Eddie Bauer.

So I said screw it and left the mall empty-handed. The only fall fashion I'll be splurging on this season will be a D'Brickashaw Ferguson jersey. I don't expect that'll be going out of vogue anytime soon.