(I apologize in advance for the rambling. This is what happens when I don't write for five days.)

I decided to take advantage of my four-day weekend by staying away from the computer as much as possible, which no doubt saved me from countless shots of Britney's bald noggin. (I did, however, find time to watch this gem. Thankfully, my mother is on vacation so I don't have to issue my standard no-viewing warning for her.)

The top priority was giving Casa Magnolia a top-to-bottom cleaning. I'm still not planning to go anywhere, but figured it couldn't hurt to be prepared in case I do decide to make a move. I've been here almost 11 years and it's amazing how much crap has piled up during that time. But nine bags of trash and ceiling-high piles of recycled magazines later, my abode is as clean as I can ever remember.

Also accomplished was watching almost everything on the TiVo and enjoying the cinematic trifecta of "Running With Scissors," "Match Point" and "Sherry Baby." All three were very good, although not the most lighthearted viewing.

Thanks to my shoulder/neck troubles, along with my seemingly never-ending foot woe, I took a three-month sabbatical from the gym. Since my neck is miraculously cured and my foot has been feeling good, I made my return last week.

Apparently, while I've been gone, my all-female gym turned into quite the social hot spot. There must be a lot of eyes being batted at fellow gym-goers, because there can be no other explanation for the parade of slutty outfits I've seen the past few days. It is a T&A-fest. I'm doing my best to fit in, with my cutoff sweat shorts and Yuengling t-shirts. I'll let you know if I catch anyone's eye.

There also seem to be a few folks who are conflicted about their approach to fitness. When I arrived this morning, there were two women standing outside the door smoking. Two minutes later, they joined me on the row of treadmills.

This morning, I was watching the closed captioning on the Today show (I could rant about how I can never get SportsCenter on a TV, because the women apparently prefer to watch the various craptastic morning offerings than the Evil Empire. Another day). So I'm essentially reading the Today show, which aired a segment about health myths. They must have been talking about the real vs. rumored benefits of drinking a lot of water and juice. But here's what happened on the closed captioning:

"drink lots of water and Jews."

They fixed it quickly, but the damage (to my funny bone) was done.

(While visiting The Today Show web site to confirm the subject matter of the segment above, this headline jumped out at me. Seriously, what are we, 11 years old?)

Oh, and the iffy work situation might be close to a resolution. All we need are six special numbers to blow up into a little space tomorrow at 8 p.m., and me and my 150 MegaMillion dollars will be sitting on a New Jersey boardwalk helping kids pick plastic goldfish out of a little pond.

Work I'm certain I'll find rewarding.