Really? There's an arrest warrant out for this face? Didn't see that coming.

The local diner mercifully reopened last week after a nine-month shutdown following a fire. Since they were closed anyway, the owners decided to completely remodel. My brother and I took the crazy nephews there for dinner tonight en route to watching an old friend in action as the girls' hoops coach at our alma mater.

The new diner is nice - much fancier than the place I've spent many hours between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m., displaying some of my finest public drunkenness. But the menu is thankfully exactly the same, including two items I always consider to be staples of the New Jersey diner - The Happy Waitress and Disco Fries.

I considered a few diner classics, including the Monte Cristo, which was on the specials, but decided to honor the establishment's grand reopening by ordering the quintessential Jersey diner food.

Me: "Yes, I'll have a pork roll and cheese with fries, please."
Our waitress (blank look): "A what?"
Me (nervously): "Um, you know, Taylor Ham and cheese?"
Her (slowly but cheerily): "Oh, okay."

She walked away to place our order but returned a few moments later. And this is when I got concerned...

Her: "I forgot to ask, what kind of bread did you want that on?"
Me: (Blank stare, complete with head cocked to the side): "Huh?
Her (earnestly): "Would you like that on white or wheat? Or maybe rye bread?"
Me (fighting the urge to reply in a tone that will cause my sandwich to be spit-laden): "Um, can't I get it on a hard roll?"
Her: "Oh, you want it on a hard roll? Sure, we can do that."

After she walked away, I expressed concern to my brother as to what to expect on my plate. Fortunately, less than 10 minutes later, exactly the goodness I was hoping for arrived, cooked to perfection.

But seriously, don't they teach that in NJ Diner Waitressing 101?