wine by the color

Thursday, June 04, 2009














If you were to visit the Bath and Body Works web site or local store, you would see the 1.5 ounce bottle of Warm Vanilla Sugar Room Spray pictured above costs $5.

Or, in my case, $165.

That's what happens when you keep said room fragrance on a shelf above the toilet, and one day, without touching the shelf, gravity takes over and the bottle falls just as the toilet is flushed. And despite a slow-motion mad dash toward the bowl, the bottle manages to just disappear down the hole, leading to a lengthy "OOOOOHHHH NOOOOOOO" from the dwelling's owner.

You would then take several steps to determine what happened to the can of fragrance. You would learn toilet water is surprisingly cold. You would devise a search system using a plunger and a large plastic salad fork. You would throw away the salad fork so as to not accidentally use it for its intended purpose ever again.

You would then call your parents to describe the scenario and seek advice. Halfway through that phone call, your boyfriend would arrive home and look at you like you were a crazy person as your end of the telephone conversation featured phrases like, "I don't know if it's stuck in there or not" and "I don't know, it's about four inches high."

Your brother would make the initial repair effort, bringing over his toilet snake. While doing a google search for toilet snake, you would mistakenly come across stories like this. Despite a full snaking effort by your brother and enthusiastic spectating of said snaking by your nephews, the repair would prove unsuccessful, with resultory slow and incomplete flushing. You would then ignore the problem for a few weeks, leading to a situation whereby bathroom visits needed to be carefully thought out prior to usage, lest anyone try to flush more than the bowl could handle.

Finally, when you realized the water seemed to be bubbling, causing you to fear the bottle was on the verge of exploding which you are sure would be very, very bad, you would realize it was time to call a professional. You would quickly learn the reason your brother wasn't able to snake the item through is that it needed to be removed from the bottom of the toilet back up through the hole. You would then learn it's actually rather easy to completely remove a toilet bowl from the floor. Not that it's anything you plan to do yourself. But in an emergency, you might be able to pull it off.

And then you would have written a check for $165 which, were it not for the fine Jersey tradition of "knowing a guy," would have been twice that for the complete removal, snaking and replacement of the bowl, along with an unrelated part that needed repair.

So, all in all, you would think $165 for 1.5 ounces was somewhat of a bargain.

7 Comments:

  • At 6/04/2009 6:00 PM, Blogger Brooke said…

    For the love of God, don't give up blogging. The world needs more posts like this one.

     
  • At 6/05/2009 1:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Wouldn't the total cost for the bottle be $170.

    $165 for fix
    $ 5 original bottle

     
  • At 6/06/2009 4:24 PM, Blogger jersey girl said…

    Hey, this isn't a math blog. I write because I can't add.

     
  • At 6/08/2009 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Time for a riddle. What is the following? The time is 12:00 PM.

    1
    1
    2
    2
    3
    5
    5
    5
    6
    7
    8
    7
    7
    12
    15
    15
    15
    15
    11
    8
    7
    6
    5
    4
    3
    3
    3
    4
    2
    1
    Smoke coming from my computer
    "No tickets meet your criteria."

    It is official, ticketmaster is run by the government.

    BB

     
  • At 6/09/2009 7:18 AM, Blogger jersey girl said…

    Ha. So true.

     
  • At 6/26/2009 6:52 PM, Blogger the joker said…

    My friend, a plumber, told me that he went to a couple's house to fix a clogged toilet.

    He went into the bowl and, among other things, found a toy train, some money and a condom.

    The gentleman who owned the house looked at my friend and gasped.

    The plumber apologized for any embarassment he caused by pulling the contraception device from his shitter.

    "That's not the problem," the owner said. "The problem is....I don't use condoms."

    I'm fairly certain a phone call was made to an attorney shortly after.

     
  • At 6/28/2009 12:02 PM, Blogger jersey girl said…

    Yikes!!

     

Post a Comment

<< Home